Happy birthday to all the women
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The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
馃ぃ馃ぃ
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Software Development 鉀碉笍
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
When libraries troll their patrons.