There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
me and who
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.