Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Buck naked
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now