I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
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If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I hope Alan is OK
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’