In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
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Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.