Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT