If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip