Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
You Might Also Like
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
me refusing to leave twitter
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Here’s a meme
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Put a ring on it
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.