Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”