God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
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[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“HELP WITH CAT”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐