ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
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Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.