Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
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Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.