Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
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Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
The news
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
He a real one for that
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half