Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
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4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Breaking news:
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Guilty! 🤪
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?