Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
You Might Also Like
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
guys I’m going home
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Saw your ex at the shops
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.