When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
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I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
The Wolf of Wall Street.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter