What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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He took my last fry, your honor
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
*exercises sarcastically*
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it