Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
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The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.