Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
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her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30