These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
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Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]