When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*