What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
You Might Also Like
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.