isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
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[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo