For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My Guy
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?