When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
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(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Geez man, take it easy.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.