*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
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[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Great Canadian literature.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.