“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
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Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.