Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
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[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too