It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
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Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
mumsnet is amazing
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
🙁
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
The Struggle