When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
You Might Also Like
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.