The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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Scream sneezers need love too.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
A woman drives into a bar.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me