friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
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Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
i really liked this one
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
A roof is a house hat.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first