(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
You Might Also Like
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub