I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
secret recipe
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.