This headline is a thing of beauty
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Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
calling in to work dehydrated
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.