Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
You Might Also Like
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
3% human
97% stress