It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
You Might Also Like
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive