Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Good morning, Twitter x
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.