Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
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My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
lost dog
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.