Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
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Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Oops
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: