God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My last name is Zilla.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.