why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.