* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
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My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
lol
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.