Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
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I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?