There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
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I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Stop it! 😂
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine