The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
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No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.