MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I want this so bad
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.