Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
You Might Also Like
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I just tested negative for patience.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.