[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
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bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.