Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.